I intend to get homeless drunk
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
