i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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