on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
