He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
