Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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