i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
