ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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