I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
