omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Randomize
