So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
