he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
