God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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