I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
My bed smells like the plague
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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