Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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