I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
