you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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