Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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