If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
