mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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