Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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