I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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