I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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