You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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