got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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