I cut my penus on the lid.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Bring me that man meat
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
