those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
