it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
The beer is more important than you right now.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
