you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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