Whod you bang
Swine flu is the new snow day.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
