I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
