woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
