She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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