god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
