Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
