Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
