they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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