I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
