My girlfriend figured out who you are.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
