This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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