It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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