She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
