I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
