Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
