yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Randomize
