Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
