Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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