The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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