All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
