Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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