Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
