booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
