You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
